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A Meeting at the Crossroads … and Other Walk...

A Meeting at the Crossroads … and Other Walks With Dark Goddesses

How does one step into death? Not necessarily death as the end  of life, but death as transformation and re-birth. This personal story is about the so-called dark goddesses I have work with and my death as the Maiden and re-birth into the Mother.

– I have to ask you to excuse my jumping around here. Most of these experiences are surreal but even more so the recent one.  I was in-and out of my body and I have had to later get help from my partner to find out linear timelines. I don’t know if I suffered a small amount of brain damage or if it the notorious ‘baby brain’, but either way I emerged a different person in many ways.

This is a trigger warning story, that may bring up traumatic birthing experiences.


I have embraced many of the dark goddesses.

It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and honestly, I’m not sure how I even got to where I am. I do know, that Hekate stepped in and ushered me into my re-birth as a mother and arrived just when I needed her. She was someone I was aware of and worked with but never like this. Never face-to-face at the crossroads of literal life and death.

I consider myself a fairly eclectic, solo practicing witch. Only working with energies that I have been drawn to from my cultural or spiritual alignment. But, I listen and wait to hear the messages in the ether. I’ve always been sort of half-in and half-out, either from personal brushes with death or something in my lineage or astrology charts… perhaps both.

I’ve learned to avoid anything resonating on the astral plane. Those energies resonate with FEAR, SHAME and GUILT and these are what I consider the main three ‘sins’ of a witch.

They remove your power.

As an empowered witch, regardless of gender or length of your path, this is SO NOT what you want to resonate with. Through a form of meditation or altered dream-like state you can instead try to imagine that you enter through and move past the astral doorway and into the next dimension and above. In this space you can can find your higher guides, ascended masters demi-gods, gods and goddesses to work with.

Lets’ go back to my dreams, before I died. Further back even to when I started my path around 15 years old.

I have always dreamt of these strong, goddesses. All of them were the embodiment of strength and fearlessness. The Morrighan was my first dark goddess I was called to work with. Likely this has to do with me resonating with her because I am an Aries on the cusp of a Pisces and have always joked I am both a lover and a fighter. Furthermore, I am a Taurus rising and although grounded, I can be very feisty.

The Morrighans’s stories of seduction and simultaneous ability to be a war-goddess was something I was feeling. I was an angsty, artist, punk-rock teenage riot-girl looking for something my religious childhood did not have. I saw my fellow Southern California peers being fearful of strong women; teasing them and bullying them out of jealousy. This is part of the reason I never resonated with the main stream group of women. I chose to embrace my personal fears of others at this time as those that were strong and someone I would choose to repsect instead of hate.

Many times the Morrighan would appear to me in my dreams, fighting side by side with me, slaughtering enemies, seducing some, but ultimately ending in war-like dreams; swinging huge swords and axes. Having a goddess stare you in the face and say they favor you is a haunting feeling that comes with some interesting messages. We have held conversations about things I can’t remember and learning from them as well as other unknown witches have helped me walk the shadowscapes of myself. Some of these could have been memories or perhaps the inner workings of my shadow self. My enemies were never specific people but very distinct representations of ideas as people. One, I remember particularly well was about a neighboring village that tricked and killed my family. Empowered, I retaliated and killed all of them in a vengeful rage. The entire village with no-one left. As alarming as this can fell, perhaps this was once again an internal battle or a re-living of some other time. Anyone that knows me understand that I am feisty but not psychotic. I’m mostly a patient pacifistic unless poked and prodded. I later saw these as symbolic wars and walking one of my archetype paths of a warrior or knight. The path of a warrior and witch is not always synonymous but it does bring into mind a duality of the dark and light or the combination of duality.

 

When I got closer to my 20’s I had discovered Isis through a various amounts of meditations and dreams. Seeing myself in a temple, in a group of 10-12 woman in scantily clad clothing and flowing red tapestries. Hearing them speak and knowing I remembered the words was another experience that stayed with me. It felt like a memory or some sort of honorary viewing of something. I don’t remember what was said but did come away from it being totally enthralled with the Egyptian Hermetica text. Whomever this goddess energy was and is someone I felt I had known in another life. I realized I had always known things about the raising of energies, the sacred prostitute, and energetic alchemy. Isis and my connection has always been through female empowerment and a spiritual being, although I am very masculine in personality and have never quite felt comfortable that I was born a a girl. I chose to experiment with this path with intensity and conviction because I wanted to know myself with intensity. Either way, I embodied the maiden as I felt was right.

Fast forward to a few years ago…

The goddess Freya came to me when I was pregnant in my basement apartment in Brooklyn New York. My partner and I had just decided to try and all signs said it was happening. I was thinking I might be pregnant, but the last time I had any inclination of this I had been 17 and had always chosen to not have children.

There she was, I walked downstairs to throw in the laundry. She was beautiful, ghost-like, and strong. She smiled, looked me straight in the eye, and said her name.  I had always known who Freya was, but had never been drawn to work with her in my life. However, my obsession with the cycle of life, the goddesses who walk both dark and light, made total sense. Was it perhaps the link between my partner who is a descendant of Eric the Red?

I had placed my hands on my belly, thinking she was there to tell me I was pregnant. I thought maybe Freya was the child I was carrying. I knew she was a girl, and boy did she had a very loud voice. In honor of Freya we chose to name our baby that. Some have commented this is a bold move but in our minds it was both a connection and honor that made sense.

I had always said “you could not pay me to have a kid in New York” and it really was one of the few things that would have pushed me to leave New York. At the time I was working with a very successful artist and was pursing my own art career and enjoying the childless life I shared with my partner.

What I had come to experience over the next few months was both traumatizing and revealing. My job sort of ceased to exist when I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I lost my insurance and we chose to pack up and leave New York as soon as possible because of the cost of living there, without having any help or work to stay afloat. It was costly and we had no idea where to go. Instead we decided to move about the Pacific Northwest and seek out a place to choose to start over and raise our little Freya. Freya was strong and loud inside my mind. She was bold and brash, and seemed like a very feisty but lovable personality. All of the stress of looking for work and spending all that we had and more on the move wasn’t helping. Something was wrong with Freya and I couldn’t get medical help. I had a growing belly, I was spotting every two weeks, but I could not get a positive pregnancy test. Fast forward to 16 weeks and I got into the doctors on a whim. The voice of Freya had fell silent a few weeks before and I looked about 4 months pregnant. With the ultrasound to check for a tumor, they found nothing. Absolutely nothing. No tumor, no baby Freya, no symptoms of pregnancy internally and no understanding of what was happening.

Hysteria they thought, that was it. Drugs or hysteria. (I certainly did not do drugs or support any pregnant woman to do so.) I’m sure they thought that this goddess toting, tattooed, pagan woman was just crazy.

 

Fast forward and I had conceived Freya with no moon cycle in-between. This time she was quiet. Protected. I was unsure why the experience was so different but I chose to accept that I was meant to leave and be in the city and space that I had chosen in Eugene.

Freya waited to arrive on the auspicious cusp of Cancer and Leo. We had an approved home birth and a well versed nurse-midwife. I had experienced prodromal labor for the last week. When labor had really kicked in I chose to stand in the shower and try to relax. I fell into a sort of trance… like I can. As I said I am half a Pisces and i like to work in the bathtub or shower while metaphysically tapping in. At this time I had a vision. It was of a highway. There were two distinct directions and this was the moment when my water popped. I had the ultimate realization about life and death. It was a two lane highway and I was directly tapped into in, and my job was ushering this baby in.

Freya arrived quickly and without any troubles. Her umbilical cord was a bit short and we had chosen a delayed cord cutting so they ended up placing her up on my belly and she could not quite reach my breast. I was vaguely aware of her peeing on me but I wasn’t in a head space to hold her and nurse.  They cut the cord so she could nurse and about 20 minutes later my placenta had still not come out. This worried everyone, including my midwife. I ended up getting a catheter but there was concern I still had to pee. I could feel it. I ended up making it to the toilet to try to relax and urinate but something was wrong. I felt faint and called for help as I stood up.  I fainted there, and my partner ran over to catch me. I’m not sure if I hit the ground. I don’t remember this part. He fireman carried me and threw me onto the bed. I was out cold and not responding. Come to find out I had been bleeding out and the combination of the chord cut and my placenta not dislodging and I was dying.

When I was unconscious time and slowed down. I was in an open plain and it was either dusty or hazy. There were these elders sitting around something, perhaps a fire. They didn’t have clothes on their upper torso, making them feel native or tribal of sorts. I couldn’t really understand them. But, I wasn’t supposed to be there. I guess this is when I came back to my body. I was slapped very hard in the face by my partner. I’m not sure if I had died-died, or was on the way to dying. I didn’t want to be there and I was very tired. I wanted to just close my eyes again and drift away. It was peaceful there. At this moment I came to and announced this strange dream I had. It was obvious then I had said something wrong.

The call was made, the EMT’s came and my calm home birth had become a full on nightmare emergency. I passed out quite a few times while driving in the ambulance and upon arrival the surgeon who was getting off her shift was a horrible monster of a person towards me. She probably broke many rules when it came to my treatment but she did save my life. I was finally given an emergency surgery to remove the placenta (which dislodged easily) and two bags of blood for a blood transfusion. It was pure agony with the surgery starting before I was fully under and hearing few kind words while my veins were collapsing didn’t help. Really I didn’t know much more than I had a baby out there somewhere and it was my job to be there and fight,

I fought, I made it but I had been damaged. Whether the surgeon metaphysically or purposefully intended to damage my nerves in my canal and cervix is unclear. There was a void and a death there that was foreign. I felt like someone else. A part of me was sort of stuck on the other side, with my foot keeping the door open. I had lied about my postpartum depression, knowing this was something more than a chemical imbalance post-birth.

This is where my path with Hekate re-emerged. It was personal and I was able to step into the crossroads to listen and occasionally ask questions.

I worked with Her, in the small moments that I had over the next postpartum months. She told me that she was death, and I was death. My life as a Maiden had ended and I was now the Mother. It was both beautiful and sad. She spoke kind words to me in my moments of low and ushered me into my new role. She told me this was my path and she was there. Her support was warm and kind and definitely not what I had expected from a dark goddess. She told me I was magick and my child was magick and this was my transformation. She helped me find the metaphysical death in my womb. I struggled with physical pain in my yoni and was told I needed a bloodstone yoni egg to work with while I slept to repair it. Quietly, over my period of healing and doing what she had asked, she receded back to her space in the void.


 

Overall my experience with dark goddesses has been transformative. I feel that if you approach them in an honest and respectful manner, they are there to listen and help and pass on what you can’t seem to place your finger on.

Our personal experiences shape us but we choose our steps and the energies we embody. When you have your quiet time tonight, embrace the dark goddesses. Embrace their wisdom that they have. Ask them for help in your moment of need.

Your path is your own to walk but you don’t always have to walk it alone. We listen or we fight the process but in the end, the voice of a dark goddess is swift and clear when she needs to be there. She can help you embody and embrace your shadow or understand that you have chosen to transform with your foot stuck in the door.

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Head Mistress of THoT, and THoT: the School of Ritual, Owner of Keven Craft Rituals, witchshop with handmade ‘Keven skincare products, organic goods, tarot, metaphysical items, home & hearth decor, and local artisan goods in our brick and mortar location in Eugene, OR. A practicing eclectic-solitary witch, she works with energy healing / reiki master, shamanic and psychic work, witch attunements; specializing in tarot and channeling since 1995. Erika favors the Morrighan, Isis, Hecate, Freya, and Cernunnos.
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Head Mistress of THoT, and THoT: the School of Ritual, Owner of Keven Craft Rituals, witchshop with handmade ‘Keven skincare products, organic goods, tarot, metaphysical items, home & hearth decor, and local artisan goods in our brick and mortar location in Eugene, OR. A practicing eclectic-solitary witch, she works with energy healing / reiki master, shamanic and psychic work, witch attunements; specializing in tarot and channeling since 1995. Erika favors the Morrighan, Isis, Hecate, Freya, and Cernunnos.

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