Cheating, hexing, and covens.

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My boyfriend stepped out on me with my friend and they’re both in my coven. What hex can I put on them both? I want to make them break up and leave the coven (I found the coven first) but I don’t want it coming back on me.

Kelly, 32, U.S.A.

Dear Kelly,

Thank you for opening up and sharing what happened. Betrayal, especially by those closest to us, is always incredibly painful. It’s understandable that you might want to seek some kind of justice however, I would not encourage hexing as a first response to this situation especially as they are in the same coven as you.

Usually when someone has been hurt in a way similar to you, I would urge face-to-face communication to talk through the issue and express your hurt before taking some time away from them and possibly even your coven. I suggest face-to-face so that there is less chance for misunderstanding. If you feel you can’t speak to them or simply don’t want to (which is completely understandable given how callous they have been), it is okay to just take space away from them. During this time away I would urge you to write a letter to both of them explaining how you feel and saying anything else you want to say to them. You can either keep the letter or design a ritual in which you burn the letter and let it, the words, and your ex-boyfriend and ex-friend go.

Letter writing sounds cliched but psychology has shown that letter writing helps us order our thoughts, gain different perspectives, adjust and set expectations and goals, and come to terms with reality and our loss. Most of all, letter writing is a powerful emotional catharsis with people reliably reporting less pain, distress, anxiety, and anger after writing to those who wronged and hurt them.

Magick isn’t a cure-all. It can aid your life but it can’t take the place of necessary human processes and interactions. That is why it’s still so important you consider what healing path you will take to move through and beyond this wounding incident including; confronting those who hurt you, expressing your pain, self-care, seeking comfort with loved ones, taking the time to process the pain, grieve, and grow.

It is also highly unadvised, and in most cases against coven law, to cast spells and hexes against other members of your own coven. There are several reasons for this first, if you hex other people in your coven it can distort the energy within the coven and interfere with any magick the coven tries to work or cast. Depending on the coven and the magick being used, it can actually be incredibly dangerous to hex fellow coven members.

Second, most covens dictate that any personal matters or conflicts be resolved outside of the coven. If matters can’t be resolved, the members involved should inform the High Priestess and High Priest, or Witch Queen about what is happening. This is done so that the elders (of your coven) can help resolve the issue and figure out how to safely proceed magickally within the coven with these issues at play. This isn’t just for your own safety but for the safety of everyone in the coven.

I can understand your desire to force your ex-boyfriend and ex-friend to leave the coven, but this is a decision best left up to the elders of your coven. If you trust and respect their wisdom, teachings, power, and magick, then you will leave that decision up to the elders. But that doesn’t mean you can’t ask the elders to expel your ex-boyfriend and ex-friend.

Don’t be surprised if your elders request that all three of you (you, your ex boyfriend and ex-friend) take some time away from the coven. This is unlikely to be punishment, it is probably going to be a safety measure. It can be dangerous to try and cast magick, especially in a group, if you are in an emotionally heightened and unbalanced place. While some experienced witches can used their heightened emotions to fuel their magick, most witches find it too difficult to focus when emotionally overwhelmed, this not only interferes with the spell but any protection, cleansing, centring, and grounding etc., leaving all participants vulnerable.

The risks of heightened emotionality apply to solo spellwork, too, and explain why hexing as a first resort is not a wise choice. Not only could it get in the way of your natural healing trajectory, it is likely to be against your coven law. Also, if you are in a chaotic emotional state, this may impact your spellwork in unexpected ways. This could mean your hex doesn’t work or, as you were concerned, cause the hex to come back on you.

I am not saying ‘definitely don’t hex’, the choice is ultimately always yours. But at least think about at least giving yourself some time and space before you resort to magick, for your own safety and the safety of those in your coven. And if you do end up deciding to hex them, at least inform your coven leaders first. However, in this case, it is unlikely you will need to hex your ex-boyfriend and ex-friend. If this is how they treat the people they love, I doubt it will be long before justice is wrought.

I hope my words help in this your time of need. As per your request, I have a candle lit for you and will continue you to hold you in my thoughts. May your healing be swift.

Love and blessings,

Cat

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Dr. Catherine ‘West’ Winther is a retired psychologist and passionate LGBTQIA feminist who comes from a long family line of of creatrixes, witches, and wolves. Through her online coven at WeaverTarot.com she offers readings, spell-craft, curios, and counseling. Her passion is holding sacred shadow spaces and fostering alchemy through conversation. She aids healing and growth through encouraging big play, big magick, big nature, cackling, sensuality, and creativity. Freedom is our right and our responsibility. Let us slip these human skins and find our feral selves. Come roll and run through the dirt and the bones and the blood and howl at the ghosts under the Goddess Bone Moon as we listen for the star-songs. Let us remember what and why we are here, and most importantly let us remember how and why and what we love so we can bring that passion back to the everyday and reclaim our magickal birthright as witches. Get dirty. Get wild. Get horny. Get magick. Get witch.
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Dr. Catherine ‘West’ Winther is a retired psychologist and passionate LGBTQIA feminist who comes from a long family line of of creatrixes, witches, and wolves. Through her online coven at WeaverTarot.com she offers readings, spell-craft, curios, and counseling. Her passion is holding sacred shadow spaces and fostering alchemy through conversation. She aids healing and growth through encouraging big play, big magick, big nature, cackling, sensuality, and creativity. Freedom is our right and our responsibility. Let us slip these human skins and find our feral selves. Come roll and run through the dirt and the bones and the blood and howl at the ghosts under the Goddess Bone Moon as we listen for the star-songs. Let us remember what and why we are here, and most importantly let us remember how and why and what we love so we can bring that passion back to the everyday and reclaim our magickal birthright as witches. Get dirty. Get wild. Get horny. Get magick. Get witch.

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