LESSONS OF PAIN: Trauma the Teacher

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Author’s Note: First and foremost, I must give a TRIGGER WARNING; this post talks about abuse, trauma, and violence. Out of respect for the healing process of other’s I will not and do not go into detail about my traumas; I know it can often send another survivor spiraling. Secondly, nothing said here is universal truth, this is a blog written from my own experiences dealing with trauma since birth. I do not wish to undermine anyone’s pain or make light of it; you will never hear me say “that happened for a reason”, either. Third, the point of this post is to hopefully help some readers take back their power, but most importantly this is to let others know, they are not alone. The more we talk about trauma, how it impacts our minds, physical bodies and Magick, the more we can heal our personal, generational and collective wounds. I am not an expert, nor am I a medical Doctor of any kind, again this is just my story, my opinions. And, finally, there is no shame in seeking professional help, years ago therapy set me on this path. Healing happens within but, it doesn’t always start there; outside perspective does wonders.

Before I get into the main part of this post, I want to give you a bit of a backstory.

One of my dearest friends is going through some serious health issues right now, and as always, we talk about the Spiritual correlation between physical ailments and how the mind can manifest negative energy, pain, trauma, etc. in the body.

Both she and I tend to look at a person, and ourselves, from all angles: mundane and Magick, psychological and physiological, you get the idea.

To understand one part, you must understand, or at least observe the whole.

This morning at an ungodly hour we were both awake (she’s in a different time zone than I) and were having a little text convo; she had just woken up from a somatic trauma nightmare, and I was up because cats are assholes.

Anyways, after discussing how we believed her tumor (benign) to be (somewhat) a manifestation of death, negative energy and pure TRAUMA that she has endured for years, this is what transpired:

Me: “Facts are, who are we without our trauma? Do we even know? I don’t. I don’t know who I am without my trauma.”

Her: “Can we know who we are without it? It’s an unseen force that changes us. I’m grateful for it in one way—it made me so resilient. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I wouldn’t be me, either. It’s not who I am but sure as fuck showed me who I didn’t want to be.”

Me: “That’s how I feel. I wouldn’t be who I am without it and, wouldn’t wish this teacher on anyone but the lessons have been profound. Somedays, though, especially lately, I feel like I am damaged beyond repair. I was a preemie at birth, had a violent birth, stayed in the hospital for a few months then had colic for the first year. It’s like I was born INTO trauma. You know? Like I honestly don’t know who I’d be without this pain, and these wounds. It’s deeper than the soul.”

Her: “Trust me when I say there isn’t anything deeper than your soul. You’re the only creature I have ever known who is willing and able to transmute that pain into something beautiful, something others can benefit from. If that isn’t sorcery I don’t know what is. In a way, Jac, you’re the only thing trauma has to bow to. You’re the least broken soul I know.”

Right after she dropped that bomb of a last text, she decided to go to sleep (which I was grateful for, she needs rest) but it was a mind fuck.

At 5:48 a.m I was MIND FUCKED.

And, suddenly wide awake.

Thoughts and memories began to swirl around in my head, the lives I used to live in these short 33 years I have walked this incarnation were just….there.

Staring at me.

Begging for attention.

Pleading with me to put the pieces together.

As mentioned above, I will not go into detail about my trauma but here is the condensed version, and even in this I am leaving a lot out: violent birth, sexual abuse as a child, violent parent living in the household for first 11 years of life (which set into motion a distorted view of Men that took its toll on me and years to recover from).

This was followed by 10 years living in an abusive household with a step-parent, also a man, which didn’t help the situation any. There were two rapes, promiscuity, addiction, physical and emotional abuse by the first man I allowed myself to love.

I lost friends to gun violence, lived a wild and reckless life which had its own trauma; I don’t even know how I made it out alive.

All this while wearing a pretty little lie (mask) and holding down two, amazing jobs. I had everything you could want—a lovely place to live, a car of my own, money in the bank, lots of “friends”, active social life—all the things an 18-20 something would want but I was empty inside.

I was seeking something bigger, something greater, something to define or give reason to the pain and suffering I was experiencing.

I was yearning for it.

Craving it.

Still in a place where I avoided my Magick, I feared it, almost near total denial of it.

Then, the serious medical issues came up which eventually ended in me having a full hysterectomy, 7 abdominal surgeries (which left their own trauma both physical and emotional), and a list of other chronic conditions that I, simply, much rather not type: I was left completely fucking broken.

This of course led to a total breakdown which is how I ended up in therapy; the single best and worst thing to ever happen to me.

I lost everything.

Everything except my Magick.

Claiming my Magick, my power, my Witch status helped me realize trauma made me who I am, and for better or worse it made me strong.

It made me stubborn.

It made me opinionated.

It made me loud.

It made me fearless.

It showed me how to be both merciful and merciless.

It taught me compassion; I wore my mask well, and so I know better than anyone that we never know what another person is going through by how they portray themselves to the world.

After picking up my torch, accepting the fire of the Dragon into my life I realized:

I am not a victim, I am a survivor.

I am not broken, I am authentically me.

I am not damaged, I am experienced.

I’ve experienced life.

And, it shows.

I refuse to hide who I am, and the battle wounds I have earned.

I live my life with greater purpose and meaning, with a different type of wild, and reckless abandon and it’s all because of trauma.

The moment I entered this world trauma came with me, it’s been with me this entire time; it’s a companion of sorts.

I am grateful for it because since moment I accepted my traumas, faced them, dissected them, accepted their wounds, accepted their lessons, I took back my power on my own terms.

And, when I took back my power, it broke the box society put me in; the box society puts Women in.

Now I am free, free to be wholly and unapologetically me.

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Author, Instructor for ThoT – The Nephilim Rising
Jaclyn Cherie has her roots in Upstate New York. She is an Author, Word Alchemist, Hedge Witch, Feminist, and Luciferian. Finding her Muses in the most unusual places and people, she strives to tell raw, real stories of Magick, the human condition, Sacred Sex, Women’s Issues and, her favorite topic, rebellion.
Author, Instructor for ThoT – The Nephilim Rising
Jaclyn Cherie has her roots in Upstate New York. She is an Author, Word Alchemist, Hedge Witch, Feminist, and Luciferian. Finding her Muses in the most unusual places and people, she strives to tell raw, real stories of Magick, the human condition, Sacred Sex, Women’s Issues and, her favorite topic, rebellion.
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