Writing this piece will be somewhat cathartic for me. On a soul level, it helps me see how far my spiritual journey has come while being fractionated into other life roles. But it also provides me with some self-accountability on where my energy is being spent, no matter if they are positive or negative sources.
That being said, I’ve attempted to type this four or five times already. In fact, as I am writing these very words my daughter is requesting my energy and attention. She is fed, cleaned, and occupied so I will keep going as to not lose my moment of precision-like focus. Which, any care-giver/mother/guardian can attest it is critical to completing most tasks. The limited scope of my attention is used to running in hyperdrive, always fine-tuning a million different things at any given time.
I wanted to focus on a topic I don’t see address a lot. Maybe because society expects women to be all consuming, with ease and a smile on our faces. We are not allowed to grimace when we are struggling. So, we just do it. It is the act of the juggler. The multi-tasker, the chef, the driver, the counselor. The mediator, shopper, and protector. It is the balancing act of the mother.
I am a young woman for having such a large family already. I have four kids total (two from marriage) and at the young age of 18 I was transformed from maiden to mother in the blink of an eye. So even though my now 6’4 teenager stands towering above me, he reminds me of a more simplistic yet equally as terrifying time. The balancing act of exiting childhood and immediately entering into motherhood is something I highly suggest you do not attempt if you can help it.
*This piece of advice is key to the rest of my words here, so hold on to it for later*
I also know I shouldn’t have to include this disclaimer because it is not my responsibility to safe guard others when I am purging my soul through pen (or blog) but I am sensitive to the fact that my words may shine light on aspects of an existence that some may not be able to relate to. Ultimately finding only their words regarding their experiences as rebuttal to my thoughts. I ask you kindly now: PLEASE LET ME HAVE MY SPACE TO TALK. I am speaking from my perspective. And I am aware of my privileges and the freedom my life allows me at times.
As a stay a home mother, most early mornings are spent running around my house ensuring my young offspring don’t succumb to natural selection in some horrifying way. After my older ones come home, my life consists of managing and inquiring on everyone’s day individually while insuring homework, chores and free time are all touched upon. I am (like I said above) always running in so many directions that it feels like nothing and everything is getting done all at once. While being mom, wife, and friend, I am witch too. There are many hats to be worn when so many things depend on you for existence, sustenance and support. I have become used to spreading myself so thin that at times that I’m reduced to ashes. Collecting the broken pieces of myself each night, fusing them back together in the liminal dream space, then restarting. Every. Single. Day.
*Let me be clear here too, working, single, married, whatever kind of care giver, etc. It can all be brutal at times. So I am not minimizing the struggles of other people in any way nor comparing battle scars. I support you irregardless. It’s all meant to transform us into our potential anyways..*
The spiritual affliction I feel with this mundane cycle of existence is that I feel a longing unanswered. A heavy sadness each time I run past my altar after my child, or back out the door for another errand. Much like missing a soul-level friend with whom you’ve lost touch with. A brief heartache and a sense of weepiness comes over me when I think about the deep love and respect I have for my spirits. I want so badly to immerse myself in the astral, the liminal, the sacred spaces so dear to me to honor them and my higher-selves. But much like Murphy’s Law; where “anything that can go wrong, does’’. Any mundane situation that can interrupt my practices, does. I feel I never have a moment to meditate, or pray let alone shower by myself. There have been days that felt so heavy that I refused to believe I was in control of my life to any degree. That the world and every bad thing in it had been “happening” to me up until now and I was powerless to change the trajectory of my life. Now, I don’t want to diminish how hard it can be raising 4 different types of little humans. But I had to be honest with how much of my disconnect was self-inflicted. I needed to address a few things after my ego allowed me to feel sorry for myself. I saw it’s pain in all honesty, and I knew why that deep disconnect was present. I didn’t get enough ME time to practice how I saw fit.
And truthfully, I was resentful of life for not providing me with the opportunities my soul needed to have those personal, truly solitary moments. How did I get to the point of being content with being a spiritual practitioner who performs offerings (when I can), candle devotions (when I have the supplies), and simple prayers (when I have the presence of mind to do so); all the while, equally balancing a WHOLE-ASS household of six people? So many moving parts that need constant maintenance.
Can the ancestor spirits see how deep my heart feels for them and how guilty I feel when I don’t serve them properly? (Of course they can..) I laugh and cry as I write this because I know I am Virgo rising the hell out of this. Analyzing, then re-analyzing, THEN over analyzing. I want to do right by them, so my version of perfection, no matter how unrealistic for my life, is what I truly believed they expected of me. And honestly, I wanted it for myself, too. Structure among chaos is *GOALS* for me.
This is where integration and balance have taught me a valuable lesson. The proverbial “walk and chew gum at the same time” sentiment rings crystal clear here. I needed to remember that first and foremost, the label, title, birth right of witch does not diminish with distance to the craft. The days, weeks or even years may go by where you don’t pick up a single book, or light a single candle.
But your voice, oh that FIRE that screams inside of you. That is your witch.
It is the energy of knowing without sight.
That is your witch.
Yes witchcraft is a practice, but it is also (to me) a soul title. It is knowing that you are able to mentally, spiritually, or otherwise reach realms and ways of thinking inaccessible to others. It means so many things to so many different people. And we really need to quit telling overworked, under appreciated humans with nothing left to give but the salt from their tears that even if they are not able, more is needed to appease any being, alive or otherwise.
Life happens.
You give whatever you can. And if your heart is genuine, that is USUALLY enough. It is as simple as that. The ancestors who support you, will always understand. They have dealt with many of the same (and sometimes terrifyingly worse) types of situations than we have. So they are compassionate to the issues that face you. Of course there are specific things that always help forge the connection between the spirits and yourself ( thorough offerings of libations, favorite food, flowers if appropriate-but if you truly and honestly cannot obtain these items, they are not usually going to turn down substitutes made in good faith.) No need to become fully depressed because you tricked yourself into believing you were not supported by the spirit world in your mundane life.
I needed to reach a point of acceptance where I forgave myself for my critical mind. Like a conveyer belt of unnecessary emotions, ideas, thoughts and feelings. I thanked it for the push to strive for better, but I needed it to acknowledge that I was in one of the most thankless yet most important jobs in all the realms.
Mother/Nurturer
We reach for spiritual mothers and Goddess energy to nurture us. We lean on the other women in our lives for that divine full blown love and support that sometimes only another sister/friend can provide. Yet here I was, beating my own ass into a corner because I wasn’t good enough in some race that my own mind created in the first place! AHHHH!
To bring us back to 18 year old me, the one who was just about to take a very different path in life, I say this to you now: Make sure that you spend your life truly filling your soul. Love so much it hurts. Travel to places you never dreamed of. Explore every corner of your life and leave no stone left unturned. If that includes a family sooner than you expect, include them in your discoveries. Never stop learning, growing, and feeling all that life has to offer. The time between maidenhood and motherhood is a transition of concern for self to concern for community in a sense. And you have to be aware of that shift as roles change, expectations may change and the way you thought things would go no longer seem possible. Be aware of the differences and embrace and integrate them. Don’t focus solely on the lack. You will lose sight of your most amazing blessings.
It is important to know your shadow self and how strong a voice you have to use when it gets in your way. And most of all, be graceful with yourself as you get older and life gets heavier. Sometimes we create situations in our own head that don’t even exist and only then do you really realize how making the most of the NOW, (whatever that looks like) is the most important key to being happy. What can I do RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT spiritually or otherwise that will fulfill my soul?
It’s ok to ask for your ancestor spirits for help to make it all work. Some days will be a blazing dumpster fire, some days you WILL cry on the floor while your toddler throws puzzle pieces you just picked up back on said floor.
But there will be other days where your energy will say to those who pass you, “Damn. She really has her shit together.”
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Writing this piece will be somewhat cathartic for me. On a soul level, it helps me see how far my spiritual journey has come while being fractionated into other life roles. But it also provides me with some self-accountability on where my energy is being spent, no matter if they are positive or negative sources. […] -
Writing this piece will be somewhat cathartic for me. On a soul level, it helps me see how far my spiritual journey has come while being fractionated into other life roles. But it also provides me with some self-accountability on where my energy is being spent, no matter if they are positive or negative sources. […] -
Writing this piece will be somewhat cathartic for me. On a soul level, it helps me see how far my spiritual journey has come while being fractionated into other life roles. But it also provides me with some self-accountability on where my energy is being spent, no matter if they are positive or negative sources. […] -
Writing this piece will be somewhat cathartic for me. On a soul level, it helps me see how far my spiritual journey has come while being fractionated into other life roles. But it also provides me with some self-accountability on where my energy is being spent, no matter if they are positive or negative sources. […]
You don't own my WITCH - The House Of Twigs
29 January
[…] witches. Not everyone has the time to conduct ritual every single day (See my previous blog on MOMcraft) due to the multiple roles they must play throughout the day. We are still witches. And some people […]